Ever find yourself yearning for a nod of approval after a big presentation or meeting? You're not alone. On today's episode, we open up about the complex dance of seeking validation in the workplace. Join us as we unravel this often-unspoken aspect of executive life and provide you with insights on how to balance the pursuit of reassurance with the drive for authentic progress.
Today we offer strategies to enhance your leadership without being hindered by the desire for constant validation. It's a heart-to-heart that will resonate with anyone who's ever felt the pull of approval – from the first-born overachiever to the resilient go-getter. Tune in and reflect on how to refine your approach to executive leadership and professional growth.
In this episode, we discuss the following:
1. The importance of understanding one's behaviors and drivers to allow for more constructive self-reflection.
2. The value of fostering a culture of constructive feedback to contribute to meaningful development.
3. The Impact of recognizing one's strengths and positive contributions, even in the absence of external validation.
This episode is sponsored by LucidPoint
Are you struggling to take your IT organization to the next level?
We help our customers do so with confidence. Turn your vision into reality, call LucidPoint today!
https://www.lucidpoint.io/
CONNECT WITH SUSIE:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/susietomenchok/
CONNECT WITH JAMES:
https://www.linkedin.com/in/capps/
1 00:00:03
Speaker 1: Welcome to the Quick Take podcast, the show where you
00:00:06
get targeted advice and coaching for executives by
00:00:10
executives.
00:00:10
I'm Suzy Tominczuk.
00:00:12
Speaker 2: And I'm James Capps.
00:00:12
Give us 15 minutes and we'll give you three secrets to
00:00:15
address the complex topic of issues that are challenging
00:00:18
executives like you today.
00:00:23
Speaker 1: Hey friend, hey quickster.
00:00:24
I have to say quickster, hey quickster, Glad you're here.
00:00:27
I'm Suzy, along with my co-host , James.
00:00:29
How are you, James?
00:00:30
Speaker 2: I'm fantastic.
00:00:31
How are you today, Suzy?
00:00:33
Speaker 1: I'm amazing.
00:00:34
I know that you have a topic for us to talk about, so lay it
00:00:39
on me.
00:00:39
Yeah, this week.
00:00:40
Speaker 2: This week I was chatting with an individual who
00:00:43
came by my office and had asked me for some feedback on
00:00:48
something on a presentation they had just given, and it was
00:00:51
really a casual response.
00:00:54
It was hey, how'd I do on that presentation?
00:00:57
And it struck me that that person had been in my office
00:01:02
once a week for the last three, four, five, six weeks, and every
00:01:06
time he comes in it's kind of the same topic, it's kind of the
00:01:09
same thing.
00:01:09
How did I do?
00:01:10
How did I do that?
00:01:11
How did I?
00:01:12
You know?
00:01:12
And I realized that he is somebody who's just constantly
00:01:15
seeking approval and looking for that kind of constant
00:01:20
reassurance.
00:01:22
And so the next time I saw him, I sat down with him and I said
00:01:25
let's talk a little bit about that as a leader, and how you
00:01:31
perform and behave, and are there drivers that are
00:01:34
ultimately holding you back simply because all you're really
00:01:37
looking for is that constant approval?
00:01:39
And it was a very emotional discussion and it was kind of
00:01:43
heartfelt in the sense that he was aware that he needed that,
00:01:47
but wasn't really aware that he was actually actively seeking it
00:01:51
.
00:01:51
So I thought it'd be worth discussing today about you know
00:01:55
how to address the fact that so many of us do constantly need
00:01:58
some sort of approval and the ways that we can both address
00:02:02
that to ensure that we're successful and feeling like
00:02:05
we're doing a good job, but without it undermining our
00:02:08
performance and our perceptions.
00:02:11
Speaker 1: Yeah, and perception is key there.
00:02:12
And also, does he need it from just you?
00:02:16
Was it because of your position in the organization or do you
00:02:20
think it's general from all over ?
00:02:22
Speaker 2: Great question.
00:02:23
But you know, it's certainly from authority figures in his
00:02:26
particular case and I don't know that it is like direct line
00:02:31
management exclusively.
00:02:33
But we did talk about it being a broader issue for him and he
00:02:38
was quick to point out that, yeah, I go down.
00:02:40
You know, I go by Rachel's office once a month and I do the
00:02:43
same thing.
00:02:44
And so interesting epiphany, if nothing else, but the
00:02:47
realization, you know it opened a great dialogue.
00:02:51
Speaker 1: All right.
00:02:52
So the question is he open to like constructive criticism too?
00:02:55
Is he only looking for the recognition or the accolades?
00:03:00
Speaker 2: You know that was a great question.
00:03:02
That is a great question, and that really was something that
00:03:04
went through my mind before I went back and chatted with him
00:03:08
separately, because, ultimately, I think that I have seen more
00:03:12
junior people who are simply asking for the how'd you do?
00:03:17
You know, when you get off stage or after you give a
00:03:19
presentation, it's that knee jerk hey, how'd I do you did
00:03:23
great.
00:03:23
End of discussion.
00:03:24
Good, that's not really looking for growth, that's just looking
00:03:27
for a little bit of a pat on the butt.
00:03:30
And so I had to think through is he the kind of leader who is
00:03:34
looking for growth?
00:03:35
And in his case, yeah, I think that he is somebody who is truly
00:03:40
trying to be better but perhaps doesn't have the mechanism to
00:03:45
effectively grow in this space.
00:03:47
Speaker 1: Awesome, all right, so tell us, what advice would
00:03:50
you give to others who need this ?
00:03:53
I think maybe.
00:03:54
Speaker 2: Another caveat, though, is I think, that we all,
00:03:57
as leaders, tend to be successful because we do seek
00:04:02
that approval, and type A's first borns people who succeed
00:04:09
because of their traumas, whatever it ends up being.
00:04:11
We are hungry for that, and I think the first piece of advice
00:04:16
I'll give is that, you know, put a name to that, acknowledge the
00:04:18
fact that a lot of your drivers are intended to get that type
00:04:23
of positive feedback, and when you can put a name to that, when
00:04:26
you can acknowledge it and accept the fact that you do
00:04:29
certain things that may be simply intended to get that kind
00:04:32
of feedback, you can be more constructive about it, and I
00:04:36
think that so often, recognizing that you have a problem, if you
00:04:40
will, is the first step in dealing with it, but I think, in
00:04:44
this case, recognizing that some of your behaviors have a
00:04:47
very specific intended consequence, whether it's
00:04:49
conscious or subconsciously, allows you to leverage that or
00:04:52
take advantage of it, or at least address it in a much more
00:04:55
constructive way.
00:04:56
Speaker 1: Yeah, that's good.
00:04:57
Yeah, because you're right.
00:05:00
That's the first idea to figure out what you will need down the
00:05:04
road and how much you need.
00:05:06
All right, so what's number two ?
00:05:08
Speaker 2: Well, and I think the second one is is create an
00:05:11
ecosystem in which you can generally get constructive
00:05:14
feedback.
00:05:15
We've done a couple of episodes on constructive feedback and
00:05:17
the ways that you can go about doing that.
00:05:19
But you know it's back to that example of that.
00:05:22
You know, after you've done that high school presentation
00:05:26
and you get off the stage and somebody says good job, that's
00:05:30
feedback, right?
00:05:31
Is it constructive feedback?
00:05:33
No, and I think you know when you truly ask for constructive
00:05:36
feedback, you engage with people , ask pointed questions that can
00:05:41
give you that sense of approval , that can feed that need that
00:05:45
you have.
00:05:46
But it also is a much more powerful way for you to grow as
00:05:50
a leader and engage your peers.
00:05:52
So you're really doing double duty on something that is super
00:05:56
important as a leader.
00:05:58
Speaker 1: Yeah, I love it.
00:05:59
Such good advice and very timely too this time of year.
00:06:03
So, what's the third?
00:06:05
Speaker 2: No, I think the third one is really you need to build
00:06:09
the internal means to give yourself the accolades right.
00:06:16
You have to become your own best advocate.
00:06:19
You know this is the core of the phrase.
00:06:24
You know it's lonely at the top and that we each have to behave
00:06:27
in a certain way that ultimately we know that what we
00:06:31
did was good and that we can give ourselves that approval.
00:06:34
Now it is easy to live in a bubble and to gaslight yourself
00:06:39
and think that you're doing a great job, but at the end of the
00:06:42
day we have to accept the fact that we, if we are somebody who
00:06:46
needs approval, we're going to have to get that from lots of
00:06:49
different places, and sometimes it has to come from inside.
00:06:52
And as leaders, you may not get the straight feedback, you may
00:06:57
not get the approval or the accolade or the recognition that
00:07:00
you deserve.
00:07:01
But you have to give that to yourself and realize that you
00:07:05
know nine times out of 10, you are your own worst critic, and
00:07:13
giving yourself the agency to acknowledge the work that you
00:07:17
did, I think goes a long way.
00:07:19
Speaker 1: Yeah, and one kind of way to do that when you were
00:07:22
talking that I thought of is if you can write down some of the
00:07:25
things that people say about you .
00:07:27
You know your strengths, because sometimes people have a
00:07:30
more positive view of yourself.
00:07:32
Because we're hard, can be hard on ourselves.
00:07:34
Go back to those things and reread them, instead of looking
00:07:38
to ask people to pull these in.
00:07:40
And start to understand what those strengths are that you
00:07:44
have, because you're taking the voice of somebody else, you're
00:07:47
trying to incorporate that or you're saying, okay, this is
00:07:50
truth about me, and then get yourself to really believe that.
00:07:54
Speaker 2: I love that.
00:07:55
I think that's such great advice because, as humans, we
00:07:57
tend to remember either the bad, really bad, or the really good,
00:08:01
and I think we're wired to think and remember only good.
00:08:05
But as leaders and when we're self-reflecting, we only
00:08:08
remember the bad.
00:08:08
And so you know long, remember that meeting that you had, you
00:08:13
know broccoli on your teeth, but you won't remember the 14 great
00:08:16
things that came out of that meeting, and so we tend to be
00:08:19
critical of ourselves, and so, as we are finding ways to give
00:08:23
ourselves the credit you know, having stuff written down and
00:08:26
reminding yourself of the positive things that you bring
00:08:29
to the table, I think that's just good advice.
00:08:32
Speaker 1: Yeah, okay, that was good.
00:08:34
Speaker 2: So go bring it back to us, give us the theory, yeah,
00:08:37
I think that you know, in a world in which we are all
00:08:40
challenged to work with people that constantly seek you know
00:08:45
that recognition or we seek our own constant sort of approval
00:08:49
you know the three ways.
00:08:49
First, develop the self-awareness that is something
00:08:52
that you need.
00:08:52
Realize that you may behave in a way that seeks that out.
00:08:56
Secondly, find ways to constructively create patterns
00:09:01
and behaviors with your team so you are getting that feedback.
00:09:04
Create an ecosystem of constructive feedback and you'll
00:09:09
find that you get that feedback better.
00:09:11
And then, third, really learn to give yourself the positive
00:09:14
feedback.
00:09:15
You know.
00:09:15
Patent yourself on the back is not a horrible thing, especially
00:09:18
as an executive where you're not going to have a lot of
00:09:21
people around you who may recognize you for the hard and
00:09:25
plumbing level work that you end up doing.
00:09:27
If you're dealing with the unsexy parts of the business,
00:09:31
give yourself agency to recognize that on your own.
00:09:35
Speaker 1: This was great.
00:09:36
I'm so glad that he came down the hall and asked those
00:09:39
questions so that you could give this wisdom to us.
00:09:41
Thank you, James.
00:09:42
Speaker 2: That was a great topic.
00:09:43
All right, suzy.
00:09:47
I've been wondering do you believe in?
00:09:49
Speaker 1: UFOs oh, that's I actually do.
00:09:55
I actually do, yeah, I, but you know I'm not to.
00:10:01
This might be something that I shouldn't say publicly about
00:10:05
Santa and those kind of things, but I was one of those people
00:10:08
that believed a very long time.
00:10:10
I have a imagination, so I believe in UFOs just because I
00:10:17
just think anything's possible.
00:10:18
Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Quick Take,
00:10:23
where we talk about the questions that are on the mind
00:10:25
of executives everywhere.
00:10:26
Connect with us and share what's on your mind.
00:10:30
Speaker 2: You can find us on LinkedIn, YouTube or whatever
00:10:32
nerdy place on the internet.
00:10:33
You find your podcasts.
00:10:34
Our links to the show are in the show notes.
00:10:38
Speaker 1: We appreciate you.