Silencing Your Inner Critic and Stepping Into Leadership

[00:00:03] Welcome to the Quick Take Podcast, the show where you get targeted advice and coaching for executives by executives. I'm Susie Tomenchok.

[00:00:12] And I'm James Capps. Give us 15 minutes and we'll give you three secrets to address the complex topic of issues that are challenging executives like you today.

[00:00:24] Hey, welcome to Quick Take. I'm one of your hosts, Susie, along with James. How are you, James?

[00:00:29] I'm so excited to be here. So fun to talk. We have had a couple of great episodes and some good sesh. So I wanted to keep the energy rolling with today's topic.

[00:00:40] Let's have another good sesh. So one of the things that I talk to leaders about all the time, and sometimes they're able to label it and sometimes they're not, is what we talk about all the time as imposter syndrome or self-doubt.

[00:00:56] And I mean, I could tell you numerous examples of people that will just happen to mention to me that one, they'll say, I have imposter syndrome and they'll state it and say, I really need to work on that.

[00:01:10] And I have to be honest, a lot of men will more so just in my like random sampling will just say imposter syndrome and women will talk about it, but they don't recognize it always as, you know, well, I will be talking about something and they'll say, well, it's not the right time right now.

[00:01:30] And I'm not sure I have all the experience that I need to move forward. So I'm just going to wait until this.

[00:01:37] You have an observation on gender and I wanted to spend an entire three hours talking about that because I have a super strong opinion as to why that is.

[00:01:47] And it's not very flattering to men or women because ultimately it's just us being stupid and in our own head.

[00:01:53] So let's just talk about that, which is what are their tips and tricks on how we can get out of our own way?

[00:01:59] You know, whether it's imposter syndrome or our inability to leap forward.

[00:02:04] I think that I've been reading some really clever ways that you can can really remind yourself how good you are.

[00:02:10] To the point of if everybody's different and we talk about this, this topic really broadly, I think everybody defines it differently.

[00:02:18] This shows up differently. It might be something that you dilute your ability to move forward because you, you give yourself lack of confidence.

[00:02:26] You say, well, I'm not or I didn't get it because of these things.

[00:02:31] Or it's even when you're going into a meeting and feeling like you shouldn't be there and whether you should have representation so you stay quiet.

[00:02:40] It's a lot of different things. And so I want to also honor the fact that think about how it shows up for you when you listen to this,

[00:02:48] because it doesn't mean that it's every example that we give is, oh, that's me too.

[00:02:53] One of the cool things about the first thing I'm going to suggest is it is a tool that can add value to you in so many ways.

[00:03:01] And yes, it does help you address, you know, your imposter syndrome.

[00:03:05] But I think it's kind of a cool tool in general.

[00:03:08] I was reading an article about what Microsoft calls the wind wire.

[00:03:13] What it is, the thing about it on the, you know, a like a wire where you would communicate something on the wire.

[00:03:18] It is a blog, if you will, or a mechanism, it's a tool that they've built that you keep track of your whims.

[00:03:25] That's it.

[00:03:26] So what it does is it forces you or encourages you to keep track of the things that you've done.

[00:03:32] Now, one of the cool things about that is it is so powerful for you as an individual to win.

[00:03:37] And I think they promote it this way is it's really great for your performance review and the way that you are reviewed by peers because you've kept track.

[00:03:44] I know that I've done my review or had to do my review and I'm going digging through emails to remember what the hell was going on in first quarter.

[00:03:50] Yeah, your calendar.

[00:03:50] I can't even remember.

[00:03:51] Yes, your calendar.

[00:03:52] So the wind wire is a great way for you to keep track of that.

[00:03:56] But from an emotional standpoint and from having a great perspective on your value, a wind wire really enables you to keep track of the things you've done that are great and remind you that you have done a lot of good things.

[00:04:10] You do have the skill to do this and you are good or good enough or great.

[00:04:14] And so I love that idea of having a brag sheet, a wind wire someplace you can keep track of your things just to keep reminding you of what you bring to the table.

[00:04:24] Yeah, I like this idea.

[00:04:27] And for me, it gives that focus to you.

[00:04:30] It allows you to see what you're really good at and even bring it to a conscious level for yourself to put it down on paper and see it.

[00:04:39] So it's the longevity of it.

[00:04:40] But also, you know, as research proves that self-awareness goes down as you go up in an organization and one of the ways to increase your self-awareness is to journal and to be able to see yourself from the outside.

[00:04:56] So this is one of the things that cultivates self-awareness and you need self-awareness to be a good executive leader.

[00:05:03] Absolutely.

[00:05:04] If you manifest that in your writing, you realize that your brain up to a conscious level.

[00:05:10] That's the whole point of the wind wire is really bringing it to a place where you recognize it.

[00:05:14] All right.

[00:05:14] What's number two?

[00:05:15] Second one is a little more obvious, but this one is about surrounding yourself with people who can echo and replay back the stuff that you have done to remind you how it is good.

[00:05:25] So, you know, self-awareness goes down as you go up in an organization, as you said, but giving or surrounding yourself with people who can be sounding boards, who can talk to you about those challenges.

[00:05:37] That goes a long way, too, of promoting and reminding you that the value you brought to the table is real and that you are, you know, you're not an imposter.

[00:05:46] Yeah, I have a client, actually, who's now a friend who reminds me what I'm really good at when I work within her organization.

[00:05:55] I'm on retainer with their organization and she kind of sets up my engagements with them and I'll have groups of people.

[00:06:02] And before I do it, she reminds me what I'm really good at.

[00:06:05] And she says, you're just like, like your questions when you ask people and when you give examples and stories, it helps people understand the context of it.

[00:06:15] So do more of that.

[00:06:16] And it kind of gives me permission to be more of me.

[00:06:18] And I can't always get that from myself.

[00:06:21] So I love having somebody from the outside and not just to say, hey, Susie, you did good on this and this is what you did well, but also to help you see how to have contextual awareness or situational awareness to know how to apply yourself.

[00:06:37] I think that's so huge.

[00:06:39] And you can probably say the same words to yourself.

[00:06:42] You're going to read the same words you had.

[00:06:43] But if for that individual to tell you those things, it goes a million miles.

[00:06:48] That's a good one.

[00:06:49] I like that a lot.

[00:06:50] And I think we can only see ourselves.

[00:06:52] I always tell people, you know, feedback and understanding what it's like to live outside of you is so important.

[00:06:57] It's like the back of your head.

[00:06:59] You can see it in the mirrors.

[00:07:00] You see it in the pictures.

[00:07:02] But you don't you can't get behind yourself and see.

[00:07:04] So your exploration is to see what it feels like to live outside of you.

[00:07:09] And you can never fully understand that.

[00:07:12] So having a mentor helps give you the context, the color, the three dimension to what it feels like to be outside of you.

[00:07:21] What's number three?

[00:07:21] So my third one is really it's a funny one.

[00:07:24] And I remember it from when I was working with a studio who had been working with Pixar.

[00:07:30] And so I was working with a small production group.

[00:07:32] And what they would do is every time they had a flop, they would have a party.

[00:07:37] And I and I never understood that, that the whole point was like, wait a minute, you guys have had all these successes.

[00:07:42] They had an office full of Emmys and other awards.

[00:07:45] But whenever something was absolutely a failure, they would they would change that.

[00:07:50] And what they were doing is they were reframing their failures.

[00:07:53] And I think what was so important in that concept was that by doing that in your mind's eye, you are looking at things in a different way that ensured you that you could look at them correctly.

[00:08:03] And so I think reframing those failures was such a good way of helping you to get some perspective on it and understand the situation and the lessons learned from failure.

[00:08:14] What I think is good about that is that there's always emotion that's associated to failures.

[00:08:20] And so if you look at it from a positive perspective, you're taking away those emotions that that tend to cloud the way you want to look at it.

[00:08:28] And so the more objectivity you can look back on something to have, the more you'll learn from it.

[00:08:34] And so that can give you it can kind of separate.

[00:08:38] It'll allow you to zoom out.

[00:08:39] I have this great story that that I just came to mind that I hadn't intended talking about today, but I have a friend who played for John Madden at with with the Raiders back in the heyday.

[00:08:50] And he was in in the locker room and they had just gotten.

[00:08:55] Beaten horribly by one of their major, you know, rivals or whenever I don't remember who they played.

[00:09:01] And so they walked in the room and John Madden for listeners who don't remember that name.

[00:09:06] He was a big personality, a huge legend and the NFL and also just feared by his players.

[00:09:14] And this is when the Raiders were an insanely scary team.

[00:09:17] Howie Long was on that team.

[00:09:19] My friend is a very large man.

[00:09:21] And he said we they sat down in the locker room and he went up to each player and looked him in the eye and did this.

[00:09:28] This is all he did.

[00:09:29] Then he went on to the next player.

[00:09:31] And he said, my friend said that that 30 seconds of you hearing what he was saying to you without words was so introspective.

[00:09:38] But then when he got to the very end, he said, well, boy, we sure sucked up that game, didn't we?

[00:09:44] And he laughed.

[00:09:45] But what he did is he helped everybody change the perspective of the game.

[00:09:49] And that that experience, he said, was such a good way of both looking at the failures, but also getting an outside point of view.

[00:09:57] He said it was a more powerful experience playing for him because it was both, you know, it was both an examination of the failures, but also an examination of how you can learn from those failures.

[00:10:09] Yeah. And just so for people that didn't see that he went up in front of every person and just pointed at them and held silence.

[00:10:17] And there's something about silence that gives us our brain the chance to process something.

[00:10:26] And sometimes not having somebody insert what you should be thinking because you expect that from a coach.

[00:10:35] And so not giving them anything then allowed them to see it from their own perspective.

[00:10:42] Their point of view.

[00:10:43] Yeah, it was a really interesting psychological game.

[00:10:45] And I wouldn't call it a psychological game, but a leadership skill, I think.

[00:10:49] Yeah, that's interesting.

[00:10:51] All right. So what are the three tips?

[00:10:52] You know, create a win journal, a success journal, a win wire.

[00:10:56] An internal platform for you to keep track or document your achievements.

[00:11:01] Second one, have mentor circles or groups of people that you can match those experiences that you're having with others.

[00:11:06] And you can help your get perspective on the things you've done.

[00:11:10] And third one, you know, practice failure reframing.

[00:11:13] Look at those things differently.

[00:11:15] Look at a way that you can look at the mistakes and celebrate them and understand the things that you've learned.

[00:11:21] Yeah, I love it.

[00:11:22] Thanks, James.

[00:11:23] Thank you.

[00:11:30] You know, I was thinking about you the other day because, you know, you are an amazing person.

[00:11:36] And often, as somebody I aspire to be like, I wonder what the weirdest job Susie ever had was.

[00:11:43] Oh, the weirdest job.

[00:11:44] Well, I guess I was paid.

[00:11:46] I shouldn't say this because I don't think I paid taxes on it.

[00:11:50] When my sister was a lifeguard and I was probably 12, I would go with her to clean the pools in the morning.

[00:12:00] Oh, you were scrubbing the...

[00:12:01] Comet.

[00:12:02] Comet.

[00:12:02] Comet.

[00:12:03] And I had to sit and put my head down.

[00:12:06] And then I had to scrape the sides of the pool.

[00:12:08] And it was like greasy.

[00:12:11] So that was...

[00:12:12] That was like...

[00:12:13] Gross.

[00:12:14] Greasy was such a gross word.

[00:12:15] I do remember getting up that early and going, this is amazing.

[00:12:18] Like if you get up early, you can get a big part of the day.

[00:12:22] And then by the time I got home, it was like I fell asleep at nine and slept till noon.

[00:12:26] So you were scrubbing the pool.

[00:12:29] Scrubbing the pool.

[00:12:30] That was my thing.

[00:12:30] Yeah.

[00:12:33] Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Quick Take, where we talk about the questions that are on the minds of executives everywhere.

[00:12:40] Connect with us and share what's on your mind.

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[00:12:48] All the links you really need are in the show notes.